The Blinding Date
by M3n747
Summary: Three NGE characters in a dating game show. My first comedy, somewhat off-the-wall. My own translation of "Randka dla ciemnych".


**M3n747 publishing presents:**

***** The Blinding Date *****

[The MHK TV studio. The audience is made up of two hundred people, maybe two hundred and forty – frankly, the place could hold more. A typical game show music plays in the background, a row of cameras stands between the set and the audience. On the set there are five tall chairs – two on the left and three on the right. Between both groups of chairs there's a movable barrier displaying the logo of the show's sponsor – Studio GAINANAX.]

[The show's host, a middle-aged man of considerable height, looking like a typical game show host, walks onto the set.]

THE HOST

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Blinding Date!

THE AUDIENCE

Booooooo!

THE HOST (under his breath)

Dammit, Toshi pressed the wrong button again...

THE DIRECTOR

Cut! Another take!

[The music goes silent, the host walks out. After a while the music starts over and the host walks back on the set.]

THE HOST

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Blinding Date!

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

Tonight in our programme we are having three gentlemen. One of them will go on a trip with the lady who will choose between them. And now let us welcome the contestants!

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

And here's the first of tonight's contestants: Gendou Ikari! Welcome to the show, Gendou.

GENDOU (adjusting his glasses)

How do you do.

THE HOST

Gendou, tell us a little about yourself...

GENDOU (adjusting his glasses)

I'm 48 years old and I'm the commander of the top-secret organisation called NERV, which was established for the protection of mankind against the Angels, who appeared for the first time in the year 2000 in Antarctica. Everyone thinks that the Second Impact was caused by a meteorite, but in reality it was the first Angel, Adam. During the Impact Adam was shrunk to an embryo and I keep him like that, encased in Bakelite, in Geofront, which is a huge underground structure, 0.9 km beneath Tokio-3, 13.75 km in diameter, and it's the so-called "Black Moon", in which the human souls will merge into one being after the Third Impact. The Third Impact will allow me to finally see my wife Yui, who died in the year 2004 during tests with Evangelion-01, which is a key element giving us a chance to defeat the Angels and save the mankind. I enjoy my job a lot.

THE HOST

Thank you, please take a seat on the other side of the barrier with the logo of our sponsor.

[Subtitle: "GAINANAX – the studio for you!"]

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

And now our second contestant – Shinji Ikari! Welcome, Shinji.

SHINJI

Hi.

THE HOST

Can you tell us a bit about yourself?

SHINJI

Sure. I'm 14 years old, I'm in the second grade of junior high school. I have cool classmates, especially my two friends, Touji and Kensuke, whom I like a lot. I work for a top-secret organisation called NERV, which was established for...

THE HOST

We've heard that part.

SHINJI

Oh. I'm the pilot of Evangelion-01, which is purple and has a horn thiiiiis big on its forehead and I like my occupation a lot. In my free time I play the cello or argue with Asuka, who's also an Evangelion pilot and lives with me in miss Misato's place, who also works for NERV.

THE HOST

Thank you, please take a seat behind the barrier!

[Subtitle: "GAINANAX – top quality for a reasonable price!"]

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

And finally our third contestant – Kaworu Nagisa! Welcome to the show, Kaworu.

KAWORU

Howdy.

THE HOST

Tell us about yourself.

KAWORU

I'm 15 years old and I'm the seventeenth Angel. I have to find Adam, the first Angel, and fuse with him, and then all of mankind will snuff it. It has to be so, for it is written in the Secret Dead Sea Scroll, a book of prophecies discovered in Qumran by the Dead Sea, now in the possession of SEELE. I love Beethoven's 9th, particularly the "Ode to Joy", as well as mysticism and the air of secrecy.

THE HOST

Thank you, take a seat please.

[Subtitle: "GAINANAX doesn't interrupt films with commercials!"]

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

In a moment we'll meet the lady who will be choosing tonight, but first a short break. Stay tuned!

[Viewers reach for remotes to change the channel for the duration of commercials.]

THE HOST

Hey! I said "STAY TUNED"!

[The viewers put the remotes down.]

*** COMMERCIAL ***

["Zankoku na tenshi no teze" plays in the background.]

MOSTLY_UNKNOWN_ACTOR

Studio GAINANAX offers a bargain sale of Evangelion merchandise! The offer includes:

* S2 Engine, so you don't have to worry about the batteries in your stereo running out of juice!

* socks with characters from the series, in various sizes

* anti-Adam Angelproof long johns with a polo neck, in five colours

* "Understand Evangelion", the book that will help you find all the answers to the puzzles of the series

[The actor flips through the book – all pages are empty.]

MOSTLY_UNKNOWN_ACTOR

To buy our merchandise, just call: 00258-6345789-GAINANAX!

*** END OF COMMERCIALS ***

[The host comes back to the set.]

THE HOST

Welcome back after the break!

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

We now know tonight's candidates, so let's meet the lady that will make one of them happy! Give a big welcome to Lili!

[A man walks onto the set through the same door used by the host moments before; the man wears a visor straight out of "Star Trek" over his eyes and pushes a cargo trolley. On the trolley lies a heavy red wooden cross with a white figure, with numerous tiny legs and seven eyes, nailed to it.]

TREKKIE

Guten Tag.

THE HOST

Ladies and Gentlemen, mister Keel Lorenz will speak on the behalf of Lili, who, I take it, doesn't want to expose herself to the candidates too much. Isn't that so, mister Keel?

KEEL

Something like that.

THE HOST

That's what I call a real blinding date!

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

Take your place by the barrier, then, and we shall begin!

[Subtitle: "Studio GAINANAX is environment friendly!"]

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

[Keel sets the cross by a chair, which he then takes. He leaves the trolley behind it.]

THE HOST (sitting on the chair next to Keel's)

Lili, the first question please.

[Keel leans over to Lili, listening.]

KEEL

Where's the toilet?

THE HOST (to himself)

We'll cut that out.

[There's a cut here.]

[Keel leans over to Lili, listening.]

KEEL

How would you feel if you were hanging nailed to a cross next to a stupid-looking guy wearing goggles, you needed to piss and you had to ask three strange guys some idiotic questions?

GENDOU (adjusting his glasses)

I would feel uneasy, I would be embarrassed by the situation I were in and I would feel disconcerted due to my pressing need.

SHINJI

I'd feel really stupid and I'd just hope Asuka of my friends wouldn't see me.

KAWORU

It would be an entirely new, as yet unexplored spiritual experience for me. I'm sure that despite the initial confusion I would be able to find myself in that situation and delve into its mystical meaning, at the basis of which lies the immemorial truth, mankind's fears and hopes for a better tomorrow. It would allow me to reach deep into my own psyche and for a certain catharsis for my soul.

THE HOST (thinking)

What was that bullshit?

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

Thank you for fascinating replies. Second question, please.

[Keel leans over to Lili and suddenly stops moving.]

KEEL

Excuse me, could you help me sit straight? Screws in my leg implants got loose.

[The host adjusts Keel in his seat.]

KEEL (taking a screwdriver from his pocket and tightening the screws)

Thank you.

THE HOST

So what is the second question?

KEEL

What would you do if it turned out that the person sitting to your left is an Angel?

SHINJI

NO! IT'S NOT TRUE! KAWORU CAN'T BE AN ANGEL! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! HE'S A BETTER MAN THAN I AM! (I musn't run away, I musn't run away, I musn't run away, I musn't...)

[Kaworu hits Shinji across the head with an open palm.]

SHINJI

Thanks.

KAWORU

There is nobody sitting to my left, so I would do nothing. But then again it could mean that the emptiness itself is an Angel. And if it was truly so, then I could do nothing, for what would there be to do? And why should I? The emptiness is omnipresent in human hearts and that's where its place is, given to it by the unchanging laws of nature, therefore it would be the most perfect of Angels, for it would be the closest to man.

GENDOU (adjusting his glasses)

If that was the case, I would know about it beforehand from the Secret Dead Sea Scrolls.

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

Thank you for your replies! Last, third question please.

[Keel leans over to Lili, first grabbing the host's tie just in case.]

THE HOST (chocking)

Gkh… kghghgkhh… khhhh… ghkhghgkghgkh!

KEEL

Oh, do pardon me.

THE HOST (catching his breath)

It's… fine… really… The question, please.

KEEL

Ah, yes. If you could have any one wish, what would it be?

KAWORU

I would ask to meet Beethoven, for then I could express to him my boundless delight and admiration for his work as well as exchange notes on the subject with him, which could lead to a new light being shone on my understanding of the music as well as the person of this classical composer. Of course, I would ask for the Beethoven from the time when he could still hear.

GENDOU (adjusting his glasses)

I would ask that I wouldn't need to keep adjusting those damned glasses.

SHINJI

I would ask for Evangelion-01 for my own. I could take it to school, instead of walking with Asuka on foot, and everyone would be jealous but I would let them ride it a little.

GENDOU (in a small voice, adjusting his glasses)

Don't even think about it.

THE HOST

This was the last question! Soon we shall find out whom will Lili choose, but first a short break. Stay tuned. Did you hear me? STAY TUNED!

*** COMMERCIAL ***

["Komm, süsser Todd" plays in the background.]

MOSTLY_UNKNOWN_ACTOR

Studio GAINANAX cordially invites you to EvaLand! Meet the characters from the series, sit behind the wheel of an Eva unit, get pummelled by Sachiel, take a tour of Tokio-3! Details available by phone: 00258-6345789-GAINANAX.

*** END OF COMMERCIALS ***

THE HOST

Welcome back after the break! In just a moment we'll find out whom did Lili choose!

[Keel leans over to Lili. The host pretends to brush a speck of dust from his tie.]

KEEL

The winner is...

[Keel's words are drowned by an exceptionally loud drum roll, coming from unseen loudspeakers.]

THE HOST (after a while needed to recover his hearing)

Could you repeat that, please?

KEEL

The winner is Shinji.

THE AUDIENCE

Clap, clap, clap!

THE HOST

Congratulations for Shinji! But first let's ask the other contestants over to our side. Gendou Ikari!

[Gendou gets up from his chair and walks past the barrier with the sponsor's logo.]

GENDOU (looking at Lili, his glasses at the tip of his nose, because in his astonishment he forgot to adjust them)

What? You, here?

[Gendou pulls a folding Spear of Longinus from his pocket, unfolds it and thrusts it into Lili's breast. A commotion and jostling ensues, causing the barrier with the Studio GAINANAX logo to fall over.]

[Terrified, Shinji looks at the struggling Gendou who's attempting to drive the Spear further into Lili's body, while trying to keep Keel, stubbornly biting his leg, away from him. The host tripped over the trolley and fell flat on his face.]

KAWORU (noticing Lili)

Adam, our mother being. Those born from Adam must return to Adam? Even by annihilating people? No, different. This is Lillith. I see. I've got it, Lillim.

[Kaworu rips off his head and throws it to the floor.]

SHINJI (holding his temples)

NO! THAT'S NOT TRUE!

[Shinji has a mental breakdown.]

THE AUDIENCE

Yeeeeeaaaaah! Hurray! Clap, clap, clap! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

TOSHI_THE_BUTTON_MAN

Har, har, har!

THE HOST (trying to get out from under the trolley)

It's a pandemonium in the ring!

[The people get up, move out, spread banners, grab axes...]

**The End**

Finished : 08.07.2001 at 22:02

Translated : 05.01.2013 at 12:44

by M3n747

m3n747 at o2 dot pl

m3n747 dot ugu dot pl


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